Friday, February 7, 2014

5 Reasons He May Resent You

I was reading this article today about the reasons that husbands grow to resent their wives. While I'm proud to say most of these things, the Aussie and I have under control but it really got me thinking about some of these issues and how I've perceived some couples in regards to these points.

I know that nobody ever knows what happen behind closed doors, but I also know (thanks to my line of work) that perception is everything 
Marriage isn't being a ball and chain, its a partnership

The article has the following points:
  • Not fighting fair- OK, so this point talks about the fact that men typically withdraw their feelings to avoid an argument, while women start off on a negative using "you" statements like saying "you are such a slob" it goes on to talk about using "I" statements. This goes back to the importance of. communication in a relationship. The Aussie and I have been through this and I'm happy to say its something we are aware of and work on. Early on, I would only focus on what I thought he was doing wrong. As we began to grow as a couple it became clear to me that he is much more open to communicate and more in tune with what I'm saying when I say things like " I feel like you were treating me like I was stupid" and he would say "I feel very disrespected when you don't do something that needs to be done after I've asked three times" this was helpful for both of us. I didn't realize I was disrespecting him, knowing that makes me think twice before doing not doing something.
  • Treating him like a child- I don't think there is anything worse than one person in the relationship treating the other person like a child. I would say that more often than not it isn't intentional. Being in a relationship is entering into a partnership. You don't get married so you can raise an adult. You marry someone to grow together- so keep in mind that while he/she may do something different than how you would, it doesn't mean its wrong.
  • Involving other people in your marriage- I cannot stress enough how terrible I think it is to involve other people! You may think that by writing a blog about my marriage is doing just that, but I assure you that the purpose of this is to share experiences. The Aussie and I both have faults, we are not perfect. BUT that does not mean that you will find a "husband bashing" session in any of my posts. What you will find are some things I've learned along the way. I've said this before, but I really pity the people that bash their significant others to people! Keep in mind that it is human nature to complain about things, but typically when you talk about your significant other to people the fist reaction is to say the negative things. That is what people remember, that is what changes their perception of your significant other and your relationship Sure its easy to complain, and have a laugh at someone else's expense, maybe even commiserate with the girls/guys. Just because it's easy, doesn't make it right! Would you want him to do that to you? Its just not fair to him, or your relationship. Go back to the first point and communicate with the other person in your relationship!
  • Not showing appreciation for the things he does right- Hello!?!?! Everyone likes to hear something nice! Go back to this post for some ways to show appreciation. The Aussie does a lot of the housework and I try to always remember to thank him. Yes we share our home, but it's nice to know that he doesn't think its all my responsibility to clean or cook. And sure, I may have to rewash some of the dishes, but I'd rather do that and appreciate the effort than make him feel bad, or feel like we aren't equal!
  • Trying to change him- You married him for a reason! There are so many things you love about him. And lets face it- you're not perfect either. Changing who he is will send him signals that he isn't good enough for you.
There are some other points as well in this article but those are the top 5 that I feel strongly about. Do you think your relationship suffers from any of these or are you and your significant other on track?

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Tuesday, February 4, 2014

5 Ways to Say I Love You Without Saying I Love You

Many of us that have been in relationships for an extended period of time have fallen into the habit of saying "I love you" to either fill a void in the conversation, break the silence, or because we didn't know what else to say. I find myself in the habit of saying "k, love you, bye" on the phone so much that I have to think before hanging up with a colleague! (you've all done it, don't pretend you haven't!)
In a world full of habit, run by creatures of habit, I've been looking for ways to break out of the norm and tell the Aussie I love him in other ways. Here's what I've come up with:

1. Make his favorite dinner, set the table with the "good stuff" that you usually reserve for company, light some candles, get dressed as if you were going to a 5 star restaurant. No TV, or other distractions, except maybe some background music that may lead to an impromptu dance.

2. Let him pick the movie! I don't know about you, but I married a guy who will watch anything  I want to see without complaining about it. This means that for a weekend or just one night, I should be able to watch whatever he wants. Even if he does pick Star Wars! Again, free of distractions, this means you cant play on Pinterest all night or read my amazing blog while the movie is on. Giving him, and the movie he picked full attention will go a long way to show you appreciate and love him.

3. Leave a note in a surprising location, I do this regularly for the Aussie. Because he travels for work, I put a note somewhere in his luggage and wait for him to find it while he's away. I used to do a note for each day he was away, but that didn't work for two reasons. 1. He saves them all, and that takes up a lot of space in the drawer he keeps them in! 2. They started to lose their meaning when I would write 14 at a time. One well thought out note goes a long way!
If you didn't marry a traveler, you could sneak it into his wallet, or a pocket he'll check, maybe even in the windshield wiper or front seat of his car.

4. Find something specific you love about him/her. Instead of saying "I Love You" try saying "I love knowing you kiss me goodbye every morning even if I'm not awake when you leave" or "I love your laugh" this will help show your significant other that you still notice the little things that add up to make them perfect for you.

5. Say Thank You! All too often we take for granted what the other person in the relationship does. For me, its that the Aussie always vacuums, and always says "can I get you anything, do you need anything" when he is traveling it really reminds me of all the little things he does. So take a minute and think about some of the things he/she does regularly that you would have to do if they weren't around.

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Monday, February 3, 2014

the $20 fight

So this one is from before we were married....
communication is key so neither of you end up here
I was fortunate enough to be raised in family that was extremely open about everything. My parents shared a bank account, and money was never a "mine" or "yours"
The same theory went for my group of friends, and ultimately in my relationships. The thought that most had was that it would even out eventually. So on the day of the $20.00 fight I was taken by surprise...
Picture it, Greek Festival on a crowded Cape Cod summer, singing, dancing, baklava, and vendors. The Aussie and I  decided it would be cute to get these magnetic bracelets with one matching bead each. I had no cash on me at the time, but the Aussie offered to pay for it.
About an hour later we were driving around and I found that he had taken me to the bank. I asked what we were doing to which he replied "so you can get the money you owe me for the bracelet" my initial reaction? "what the F__?!?" followed by an "Ok, didn't realize $20.00 would make or break you. Filled with rage, I went on thinking about what kind of guy does this, was this his way of starting to separate us so he could break up with me? what was going on?!?
I took out the money and gave him his $20.00 to pay him back for the bracelet that I didn't want at this point.
On our long silent drive home, I ran through every possibility that my imagination could muster up as to why this small amount of money meant to so darn much to him.
It wasn't until a few months later that I found out the Aussie had just spent the last of his money paying for his immigration lawyer. During the immigration process, his Visa had been denied and he was unable to get paid for over three months.
The moral of this story is to think before you react. I could have very easily asked what was going on, but knowing the Aussie the way that I do, I'm not sure he would have told me. He didn't want me to have to worry about his immigration issues or have it affect us. He didn't tell anyone, not even his family.  
Can you think of a time that through communication, your $20.00 fight could have been avoided?