The Secret to a Long Lasting Marriage...?

The Aussie and I recently went to St. Augustine with my parents. He had to work and dad was sleeping in- so mum and I decided to go to some antique shops on a rainy morning. We pulled into one that was connected to a furniture restoration place where we saw a petite woman sweeping the shavings off the ground outside while an older man was using the skill saw. I remember thinking "who makes a little old lady sweep the ground outside!?"
After treasure hunting it was decided that my father too would enjoy the store; so we returned the next day.
It was raining cats and dogs and I was on the phone so mum and dad went in ahead of me. When I joined them in the store they were talking to the same people I watched the day before. That's when I learned that the two were from Manchester, England originally and they had been married for more years than my parents had been alive. My mother asked them what their secret was.
The husband responded "we have a candlelit breakfast every morning." We all smiled and he asked me if I was married. I told him I was to which he replied "Good, I can say this then- and we still do it!" I tried to contain my laughter but when saw the woman hit him in the shoulder and giggle like a school girl I couldn't hold it in! He went on to say that he is more in love with her now than he ever had been, and she still gives him butterflies when he sees her.
It was then that I realized that that's the kind of relationship I hope the Aussie and will continue to have no matter how many years we're together.
The woman wasn't sweeping outside because she had to, she was doing it as another way of taking care of her husband after all those years.
When I told the Aussie about the encounter he laughed and naturally agrees with half of the secret...

So there you have it, a candle lit breakfast and sex.... the answer to the most commonly asked marriage question!

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Happy Ash Wednesday, from the Aussie and I and don't forget to share the secret!

Who Are You

I have this unique fascination with journals. I just love them... a lot. I have yet to write on the first page of any journal and have not filled one to the end for fear of closure. (If that doesn't say a lot about me, I don't know what does)
My wonderful Aussie ad I went to Barnes and Noble on an exciting Saturday night and while we were reminiscing about our first date that brought us there ( a story for another day) he found me surrounded by journals. Old looking leather journals with the rawhide straps and silly ones with crazy prints, some had hardware that looked old and rustic, (though my first thought, was that I could make it better!) I knew that we had only gone I for one quick book for the Aussie for his next work trip, and had no intention of purchasing anything for myself but the Aussie insisted that I get the journal that he picked out for me it really is perfect...
It got me thinking of how much I used to write in them, and how now in the world of blogs and technology little thoughts are left as private thoughts. Being somewhat of an introvert I enjoy some thoughts as private thoughts. I enjoy carrying around that journal and knowing I put whatever I want in it and get those thoughts off my chest, yet keep them just for me. So I've decided that I will use this new journal as means for the exploration needed to rediscover, reinvent and distinguish who I am.

I am a:

• Wife
• Daughter
• Sister
• cousin
• Niece
• Aunt
• Friend
• Servant of the Lord
• Peace maker
• People pleaser
• Employee

There are many others as I'm sure there are for you. While I love most every role I have, and I agree that they make me who I am, I can't help but ask myself from time to time "who am I?"

Wife by far has been my favorite role to play in this life and I look forward to the many years I have in store with the Aussie- constantly learning and growing together as a couple.

Have any of you gone through a transition that has left you happy, but curious as to who you are? Who you have become? What are some things you've done to reintroduce yourself to you?

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5 Reasons He May Resent You

I was reading this article today about the reasons that husbands grow to resent their wives. While I'm proud to say most of these things, the Aussie and I have under control but it really got me thinking about some of these issues and how I've perceived some couples in regards to these points.

I know that nobody ever knows what happen behind closed doors, but I also know (thanks to my line of work) that perception is everything 

Marriage isn't being a ball and chain, its a partnership

The article has the following points:

• Not fighting fair- OK, so this point talks about the fact that men typically withdraw their feelings to avoid an argument, while women start off on a negative using "you" statements like saying "you are such a slob" it goes on to talk about using "I" statements. This goes back to the importance of. communication in a relationship. The Aussie and I have been through this and I'm happy to say its something we are aware of and work on. Early on, I would only focus on what I thought he was doing wrong. As we began to grow as a couple it became clear to me that he is much more open to communicate and more in tune with what I'm saying when I say things like " I feel like you were treating me like I was stupid" and he would say "I feel very disrespected when you don't do something that needs to be done after I've asked three times" this was helpful for both of us. I didn't realize I was disrespecting him, knowing that makes me think twice before doing not doing something.
• Treating him like a child- I don't think there is anything worse than one person in the relationship treating the other person like a child. I would say that more often than not it isn't intentional. Being in a relationship is entering into a partnership. You don't get married so you can raise an adult. You marry someone to grow together- so keep in mind that while he/she may do something different than how you would, it doesn't mean its wrong.
• Involving other people in your marriage- I cannot stress enough how terrible I think it is to involve other people! You may think that by writing a blog about my marriage is doing just that, but I assure you that the purpose of this is to share experiences. The Aussie and I both have faults, we are not perfect. BUT that does not mean that you will find a "husband bashing" session in any of my posts. What you will find are some things I've learned along the way. I've said this before, but I really pity the people that bash their significant others to people! Keep in mind that it is human nature to complain about things, but typically when you talk about your significant other to people the fist reaction is to say the negative things. That is what people remember, that is what changes their perception of your significant other and your relationship Sure its easy to complain, and have a laugh at someone else's expense, maybe even commiserate with the girls/guys. Just because it's easy, doesn't make it right! Would you want him to do that to you? Its just not fair to him, or your relationship. Go back to the first point and communicate with the other person in your relationship!
• Not showing appreciation for the things he does right- Hello!?!?! Everyone likes to hear something nice! Go back to this post for some ways to show appreciation. The Aussie does a lot of the housework and I try to always remember to thank him. Yes we share our home, but it's nice to know that he doesn't think its all my responsibility to clean or cook. And sure, I may have to rewash some of the dishes, but I'd rather do that and appreciate the effort than make him feel bad, or feel like we aren't equal!
• Trying to change him- You married him for a reason! There are so many things you love about him. And lets face it- you're not perfect either. Changing who he is will send him signals that he isn't good enough for you.

There are some other points as well in this article but those are the top 5 that I feel strongly about. Do you think your relationship suffers from any of these or are you and your significant other on track?

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5 Ways to Say I Love You Without Saying I Love You

Many of us that have been in relationships for an extended period of time have fallen into the habit of saying "I love you" to either fill a void in the conversation, break the silence, or because we didn't know what else to say. I find myself in the habit of saying "k, love you, bye" on the phone so much that I have to think before hanging up with a colleague! (you've all done it, don't pretend you haven't!)
In a world full of habit, run by creatures of habit, I've been looking for ways to break out of the norm and tell the Aussie I love him in other ways. Here's what I've come up with:

1. Make his favorite dinner, set the table with the "good stuff" that you usually reserve for company, light some candles, get dressed as if you were going to a 5 star restaurant. No TV, or other distractions, except maybe some background music that may lead to an impromptu dance.

2. Let him pick the movie! I don't know about you, but I married a guy who will watch anything  I want to see without complaining about it. This means that for a weekend or just one night, I should be able to watch whatever he wants. Even if he does pick Star Wars! Again, free of distractions, this means you cant play on Pinterest all night or read my amazing blog while the movie is on. Giving him, and the movie he picked full attention will go a long way to show you appreciate and love him.

3. Leave a note in a surprising location, I do this regularly for the Aussie. Because he travels for work, I put a note somewhere in his luggage and wait for him to find it while he's away. I used to do a note for each day he was away, but that didn't work for two reasons. 1. He saves them all, and that takes up a lot of space in the drawer he keeps them in! 2. They started to lose their meaning when I would write 14 at a time. One well thought out note goes a long way!
If you didn't marry a traveler, you could sneak it into his wallet, or a pocket he'll check, maybe even in the windshield wiper or front seat of his car.

4. Find something specific you love about him/her. Instead of saying "I Love You" try saying "I love knowing you kiss me goodbye every morning even if I'm not awake when you leave" or "I love your laugh" this will help show your significant other that you still notice the little things that add up to make them perfect for you.

5. Say Thank You! All too often we take for granted what the other person in the relationship does. For me, its that the Aussie always vacuums, and always says "can I get you anything, do you need anything" when he is traveling it really reminds me of all the little things he does. So take a minute and think about some of the things he/she does regularly that you would have to do if they weren't around.

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The Silent Wife?

I'm very fortunate to have such a close family. My cousins are like siblings and my aunts and uncles are like additional parents. I used to wonder if when I found a husband he would be open to the closeness, or if there would be trade offs for holidays and the dreaded balancing act that so many couples have to endure each holiday.
Because the Aussie moved here without his family, it made for an easier transition for us in that department. My family took him in on our third date (Easter at my cousins house, that's a story for another day!) and since then I now find myself questioning who they like better!

All kidding aside, I know its hard for him to not have his family with him, to have the quick phone calls, or to help figure the tough stuff of this marriage thing with. I know I can pick up the phone and say to my mother " What was he thinking?!? And while he could pick up the phone and call my parents for the same thing, I know its not the same. So it was great when his father came over in August, and amazing when his mum came over for Christmas (again, stories for another day!) But again, the bitter sweet emotions I felt on his behalf when we dropped his mother off at the airport left me feeling like for the first time- I can't fix this for him.

The tears that strolled down my cheek were I guess partly for me- after all, I had just spent two weeks in small quarters alone with her- but mostly for him. She said to me that this would probably be her last trip to the U.S. A small part of me wanted to shake her and say "HOW could you say that?!? Think that?!? Believe that?!?" ok- a large part of me. The worst part is that he doesn't know that.

I do not- repeated- DO NOT keep secrets from the Aussie- about anything....I know that by telling him something like that he would be filled with guilt and possibly regret.
So there I stood, crying like a fool at 4:00 a.m. in the airport and he couldn't figure out why it was affecting me so much.

So let me ask you this... Is it ok to keep something like that from him? In my defense I'm choosing not to believe that this is her last trip here.


white stocking for her first(and last?!?) Christmas with him in  8 years